Living With a Writer
January 23, 2009 by B J Keltz
Okay, writers, this article is not for you. Go get your significant other or older children and plop them down in your chair. Go enjoy time with your journal while your family reads instead.
Is the writer gone? Good. Hello, important person. Let’s talk about living with a writer. An alternate title could be “the care and feeding of your writer,” but I don’t want you to get the impression that your writer is a pet (wink).
My husband tells me that living with a writer is, at best, mystifying, and at worst, utterly confusing. Are you feeling the same? This is especially pronounced if your loved one has just recently made the decision to write or dramatically increased the hours they spend on the craft.
Here are some things you should know:
Writing requires process. This process continues wherever your writer may be. Sometimes flashes of insight or the perfect word pop up while your loved one is doing an activity with you or even folding clothes. The writer must rush to capture this insight on paper quickly. This might help you understand why the sink is full of dishwater or your shirts are scattered around while your writer is busy scribbling away. Give the writer time to capture the image, preferably without interruption. You will be rejoined soon.
Writing requires woolgathering. This is the one aspect of a creative personality that drives my husband crazy…and I do mean crazy with irritation and concern. I need to stare into space. I don’t plan it. It just happens. I go away inside my mind somewhere. He finds it disconcerting and disturbing. If you are in the same boat, work out a code word with your writer. When you lean in, concerned, and ask what’s wrong, accept the code word as a good answer. For us it’s “creating.” Though he still struggles with it, my husband now knows that I’m fine, just lost in my head somewhere for a few minutes. Here’s a great quote to help you out:
What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he’s staring out of the window. Burton Rascoe
Do your best to respect this part of the process. It’s annoying on occasion, I know, but it’s necessary.
Writing requires support. Whether you are asked to read your writer’s work or not, your writer needs your support. Around our house, that means he lets me know if he really needs my attention, and is very good about leaving me alone if I’m in the middle of something. He has also taken on certain aspects of the business and the household to allow me more time. He does this without complaint. I provide my thanks by trusting him to do these things without direction or instruction and make sure we get time together also. For you it might mean taking care of the kids for an hour in the evening or keeping the household under control while your writer takes himself off to the café for a few hours. It’s a process you must work out together so that all needs are met. Your support in allowing your writer time with his or her pen will garner you much appreciation and thanks. It will also provide them with essential validation. Trust me, this is vital.
Writing requires life. If your writer has been holed up too long and is not on an imminent deadline, gently encourage them to leave the house for a little while. All writers benefit from life outside. A trip to the store, a movie, or a walk with you outside can generate new things. Since I have the Day Job and my husband is at home, it can be tricky. My deadline is very close and we both know how much still needs to be done. Yet, every once in a while, I hear his voice asking me if I’d like a break.
Writing requires feedback. If you are asked to read what your writer has written, do so in a reasonable timeframe (this is also part of support). Reserve comments, corrections, and all but the most basic impressions until asked for them. Sometimes it’s enough for your writer to have shared. Sometimes they will ask you what you think. That’s where impressions come in. If they ask for more feedback, provide it in bite-sized chunks. My husband is willing to read anything I give him, but never asks. He is uncomfortable in the role of editor or proofer, but I value his impressions, especially on fictional pieces. I don’t demand that he read them. Because he’s so respectful, I can leave articles or prose all over my desk and know he won’t get into them. I must ask and hand him the material I want him to read. When I do, he knows it’s important or that I’m feeling vulnerable. Other writers need their partners to express interest. Find out what works for your writer and provide it.
If you don’t wish to be your writer’s Reader (the one person we all write for), I have good news and bad. Your writer loves you and, on the deepest level, writes for you, so you’re stuck in the role of Reader. However, you can find compromise. Read and respond with encouragement and support. Have your writer get someone else involved for all the technical stuff. Where would Stephen King be if his wife, Tabitha, his Reader, refused to read his stuff? Personally, I write for several readers. My husband, of course, my son, my daughter, and myself. I am most vulnerable about what I write for myself (or to myself), and least vulnerable about what I write for my husband. I’m more likely to ask him to read what I wrote for myself. Odd, but there you have it. His willingness to read is a way to validate that he loves me for who I am, I suppose.
Writing requires practice. Understand that writing skill takes time to develop. Focus on the gems, the great sentences and the good imagery. Over time, your writer will improve…all without you saying a thing.
Writing requires validation. Your writer needs to know that you value their writing pursuit. Validation is, somewhat, a sum of all the preceding paragraphs here. Simply put, your writer needs to know that you value their talent, skills, and drive, and support their literary efforts.
Okay, you can ask the writer to come back. If you like, we can keep this conversation between us (wink).
